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So, as things are wont to unfold in this life of mine, I returned home from California last week to a walking child. Marlo had been walking on and off in the days leading up to my vacation, but she would usually take a few steps and be all, SCREW THIS. And then she'd drop to the floor and crawl to her destination three times as fast. That's math, y'all. Or is that laziness? Hmm. Don't answer that.

And then the Saturday that I was away she suddenly decided to cross off that milestone in her life, and now it's all walking all the time. And I wasn't there. This is where the haters are all serves you right for taking a vacation, you self-entitled ho-bag. And this is where I'm all you mean WELL RESTED self-entitled ho-bag.

For those of you who weren't reading a few years ago, Leta didn't walk until she was almost two years old. And by then she was so interested in books that she never used her walking to engage in something dangerous. You guys, I can't overstate the convenience of giving birth to a nerd. The danger only comes into play years later when they're experimenting with potassium chlorate.

Marlo seeks out danger. Where is something she can climb on top of and then swan dive onto the floor? Is that a set of stairs over there? Because she's thinking she could jump and clear at least six of them. And stop grabbing her arm to try and pull her away! Because watch! This shit is gonna be straight up insane!

I've had experience with these kinds of kids, but then I got in my car and I drove away.

Now I'm tasked with figuring out how the hell to deal with this, and the solution is pretty much this: don't ever blink. Because in that second she'll be on some ledge four feet in the air, the end of a power cord in her mouth and a smirk all over her face that says I can't believe I have to deal with these amateurs.

09.29.2010 About, Daily, Marlo, Parenthood, Video 79 comments


  • Window On The P... said:

    Sounds like all 7 of my nephews at that age. "Hmmmm....I can walk now....what kind of trouble can I get into when the adults aren't looking?" is their motto. Enjoy!

    Suzanne

    09.29.10 - 07:21 AM / 2

  • knolting said:

    I love that she talked herself through the whole process 'bobogoieeeeeeee'.

    Her little baby tummy is too much cuteness for me to handle.

    09.29.10 - 07:29 AM / 4

  • jg said:

    Oooh, you're in trouble. Don't blink is right! and whatever you do, don't go to the bathroom without her. I made the mistake of doing that when my son was 18 months and walked in to see him spraying the garden hose full blast into the kitchen.
    Bon chance as they say in France.

    09.29.10 - 07:31 AM / 5

  • Missives From S... said:

    Really? Did I just get all watery-eyed over someone else's baby walking? Goodness, I have gone soft in my old age. Either that, or it was just a handful of months when my own daughter was at that very stage, and it goes more quickly than I could imagine. That's my daughter--the child of mine voted "Most Likely to Visit the ER and Require Stitches". Good luck with that.

    09.29.10 - 07:33 AM / 6

  • Penelope said:

    You definitely got "your boy." Just wait until she discovers how well the shower curtain rod helps her prepare for the circus!

    09.29.10 - 07:35 AM / 7

  • Ralemap said:

    Oh my! I love the sweet gentle music-- made me giggle. All of my kids had a death wish from the ages of 1-2 and it took all of my energy to simply keep them alive... I don't think parents get enough credit for that!

    09.29.10 - 07:47 AM / 9

  • Anu said:

    Oh god she's so cute! Just loved her talking all the way...through her stumble and all. Love her

    09.29.10 - 07:56 AM / 10

  • Jayceekay said:

    Do you know who she sounds like to me? Her mom. The adventurous, fearless woman who birthed ‘Dooce’ and ran with it. No challenge too great to be conquered, don’t tell me I can’t do something, no chasm too wide to leap across--even if she falls short and has to wipe herself off and try again--Dooce. That’s who that little girl sounds like to me. Determination and guts are in that kid's gene pool.

    09.29.10 - 07:59 AM / 11

  • Sheila said:

    It must be so hard to maneuver around that adorable big belly! (Not that I know this, or anything.) (Ahem.)

    09.29.10 - 08:06 AM / 12

  • Amy J. said:

    As you know mine are now big...third grade and kindergarten and we're dealing with a WHOLE NEW kind of "AAAAAAHHHHH" parenting situation over here (think nearly nine year old who thinks she's 35...SO fun to go talk to a teacher and have them tell you "she's her own type of person") Yeah.

    So I'm mourning a certain amount of where Marlo is BIG time. In fact, I shed tears about how Sesame Street is now lame and that Halloween costumes are becoming harder to choose for my oldest.

    But then I read your column and am pulled harshly back to toddler falls down stairs and cat scans of bones and I'm all, "You know, I'm good. Ovaries, shut the hell up."

    : )

    Hang in there mama...they're still very flexible and this age. (though my two year old did break her collarbone falling two feet out of her crib)

    09.29.10 - 08:11 AM / 13

  • Blahggy said:

    Wow! Crazy how different they are!

    I was a nerd and my parents were NOT, so when I'd come home from school and say, "Hey, going upstairs to do my homework," they were all WHERE DID WE GET THIS KID? And I looked the part, too.

    09.29.10 - 08:11 AM / 14

  • floridagal73 said:

    So cute. I love the saggy pants look. And there is just nothing cuter than a little one who falls down in the middle of nowhere, like some ghost just pushed 'em down. Stay alert and enjoy her awesomeness.

    09.29.10 - 08:27 AM / 16

  • wonderchris said:

    Those pants sagging, and the baby belly showing....she is too cute - mixed with just the right amount of hillbilly. Oh, Marlo you are just the best!! Congratulations on your new ability to torture your parents.

    09.29.10 - 08:32 AM / 17

  • genevieve said:

    My first kid is also a nerd. And my second kid (who was born one week after Marlo) is a wild thing too. After doing the whole I can walk but I won't thing, he is now upright about 1/2 the time walking around like a little old drunken man. He and Marlo should hang out and work on chipping more teeth together. Something tells me they'd be one hell of a pair.

    09.29.10 - 08:42 AM / 19

  • lolab9442 said:

    I've got 2 boys. The first born was building jumps and jumping his bike when he still had training wheels on. The second born had a very calm personality so I figured I had lucked out the second time around, but he was riding a 2 wheeler by the time he was 3. Following his brother! Good luck with Marlo! Don't blink! because it will only end you up in the emergency room!

    09.29.10 - 08:42 AM / 20

  • magwilky said:

    This is too funny to me because my girls are very similar to yours. My second is totally the daredevil/independent spirit. Broken collarbone at age 2 from walking in front of a swing, crawled into the pool and sunk to the bottom at about 1.5, she has given me many heart attacks, but here we are, she is almost 5 and still going strong. The independent spirit part is becoming more of an issue because now she thinks she can just walk out the door down to the neighbor's without telling anyone, or eat cookies 20 minutes before dinner or get up from the dinner table any time she pleases, etc. She is very entertaining, I have to give her that and I am sure Marlo keeps you in stitches too (when you're not pulling your hair out, that is)

    09.29.10 - 08:48 AM / 21

  • duffylou said:

    What a trip down memory lane. I smiled from ear to ear watching your video. Each of my three kids had their own plan when they were going to start the milestones. I just let them be and they handled it just fine. Well, I did freak when son number two wasn't talking as fast as son number one. But then I found out that was because son #1 was doing all the talking! Love that she calls herself Bobo.

    09.29.10 - 08:52 AM / 22

  • Truthful Mommy said:

    Congratulations on Marlo walking! Shame on anyone who tells you that's what you get. WOuld they feel that way about any other working parent who missed a milestone? I think not.Don't let them get you down.It's not like you knew she was going to walk and said, "Oh she'll probably walk this week..I'm out!"

    My second one is the same way. She is 3 already but we have definitely had hell on wheels since she could walk!

    http://motherhoodthetruth.blogspot.com/2009/05/hel...

    My first was so sweet and demure and listens to everything we ever tell her to do. We had the baby gates and such but we never needed them. With the second, this kid pops the safety locks off the closet.You know how? By repeatedly pulling really hard. Yeah, the manufacturers really underestimated my girl. Happy Mothering to your own hell on wheels in taffeta and a pink helmet !

    09.29.10 - 08:58 AM / 24

  • chop847 said:

    Very cute... but why is it babies walk like little monkeys? And why did we stop, I think it would be interesting to walk around like that. Maybe I could learn to use my cell phone with my feet and save some time during the day!

    09.29.10 - 09:13 AM / 26

  • CrisLawson said:

    She's going to be on the kitchen counter soon, I can feel it. "what are you DOING, Marlo?" "Coooookieeee!" As you try and catch her on your way across the room and she stumbles backwards and stops your heart. I do not envy you.

    09.29.10 - 09:15 AM / 27

  • AprilD said:

    As the mother of a 13-month old boy who's been full-on walking since he was 10 MONTHS OLD, I feel your pain!!
    My son also seeks out danger and I've learned not to blink for fear in that millisecond he learns how to unlock and open the front door and ends up heading towards the traffic in front of the house.
    By the way, those sagging pants and little bird legs topped by the big belly = too cute for words!

    09.29.10 - 09:28 AM / 28

  • Anndruh said:

    As the first-time mother of a 6 month old, who at this very moment is swaying violently from side to side up on his hands and knees, squawking and trying desperately trying to get them to move in sync so he can crawl for the first time, I am totally looking forward to this.

    Until the first trip to Urgent Care. After that I'm sure I won't be so jazzed.

    09.29.10 - 09:41 AM / 30

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