Fire drill

The last three days have been a clumsy stumble through my thoughts and over my feet, and suddenly I'm gripped with almost paralyzing fear. I expected to feel profound sadness, but I didn't know I'd get this scared. Fear over absolutely nothing and then everything all at once. It's like a scene in a movie where you suddenly notice the ghost of a little girl peeking inside the window.

This morning at 5 AM the smoke detectors in my room and Leta's room started beeping. The piercing sound lasted about ten seconds and then stopped just as abruptly as it had started. Five minutes later the smoke detector in Marlo's room followed suit. This duet between sets of detectors continued every five minutes, and I held Leta in my arms the entire time, her body trembling with the idea that the house was about to burn down, her quivering lower lip a physical manifestation of what is going on inside my heart.

I turned on the monitor to check on Marlo, and since she was just lying in her crib singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star — well, a sort of warbling hybrid of that and the Isty Bitsy Spider because songs are just continuations of other songs, it's all just music to her — I decided to leave her to her party while Leta and I checked the house to see if anything was amiss. She gripped my leg as I walked, the same way I used to grip my mother's leg when I was scared. My older child looks almost nothing like me, but the differences stop there. Every molecule of blood in our bodies flows to a shared rhythm.

Nothing in the house was out of place, and while I looked at the map of circuit breakers in the basement with my wild-haired miniature worrier wrapped around my waist the smoke detectors decided to go back to sleep.

"Why did they make that noise, Mom?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I'm not sure," I answered. "I guess they just malfunctioned."

"But why?" she pressed.

"I don't know, Leta," I said. "I'm sorry. Sometimes I just don't know the answer."

01.26.2012 Daily, Leta, Parenthood 69 comments


  • Cosmo3807 said:

    Maybe you've already figured this out, but some smoke detectors go off when the battery is going dead. You know, to let you know to plug in a new one. Have you been in your new place long enough now to need replacement batteries? Also, some devices detect things other than smoke, so I truly hope there is nothing harmful in the air at your home!

    01.26.12 - 01:00 PM / 2

  • dooce said:

    @Cosmo3807 these only detect smoke, not carbon monoxide. They are equipped with lithium batteries and are connected to a circuit, so we've called an electrician. Hope to find an answer by the end of the day so that they don't continue to wake all of us up that early.

    01.26.12 - 01:03 PM / 3

  • karala said:

    you wrote: wild-haired miniature worrier
    i read: wild-haired miniature warrior

    same thing, i think.

    01.26.12 - 01:03 PM / 4

  • reneewvu said:

    My dad always told me that I would press for answers too, even when he said he didn't know. I really did think my dad knew the answers to everything. Sometimes I still do... and I'm 34 years old.

    01.26.12 - 01:13 PM / 7

  • Doghouse Mama said:

    Ours did that about 5 one morning also. They are part of our ADT system so we called them to see if they could tell why they randomly went off and they had the exact same response. That made me feel...not much better.

    Oh, and we have the added benefit of a female voice yelling "Fire! Fire!"

    01.26.12 - 01:17 PM / 8

  • littlewords said:

    Most of the time I'm not scared of anything.
    But sometimes?
    I'm scared of...nothing.
    Nothing tangible, anyway. Just scared.
    It doesn't make any sense, even to me. Sometimes I think we just need it to gain a little perspective, to appreciate how we feel when we're not scared of anything.

    01.26.12 - 01:19 PM / 9

  • NCMelissaB said:

    I can relate to paralyzing fear. I am so sorry that you're experiencing it. I hope that feeling fades away. I wish I had something more to offer. I simply wish the best for all of you.

    01.26.12 - 01:20 PM / 10

  • Cosmo3807 said:

    @dooce - ah, glad to hear that! And I hope you (or your readers) don't feel like I insulted your intelligence. If so, I offer sincere apologies.

    I don't think straight when I'm freaking out but of course that doesn't apply to everyone. Hope you get some answers soon.

    (Plus, I had just woken up when I read your post so I posted in my morning fog).

    01.26.12 - 01:26 PM / 11

  • Amy J. said:

    Check the code Heather...you probably have back up battery power that is in the box for the alarm...it's a big battery, not just the lithium ones in the detectors themselves. This is the system battery for the whole alarm system in case of power outage. They rundown about every five years. You'll get a warning beep from all the fire alarms and the security alarm letting you know it needs to be changed. It will give you a code on the alarm...if you call that should confirm it. It's costs about $100 to have the system battery replaced.

    Sorry about that last night. My husband works alot of nights...so I know that feeling all too well. I've walked the floor with a sledgehammer before worried about something breaking in after vandalizing our Halloween decorations one year. You never realize the security your husband gives you, until he's not there when something frightens you. My heart goes out to you and the girls.

    01.26.12 - 01:27 PM / 12

  • Amy J. said:

    Btw, it will first sound off at random...but over time it will start to beep, beep, BEEEEEEEP all the time. You can shut it off by keying in your code, but it will sound again...at 4 a.m. generally. It will continue to do so until the battery is changed or the battery completely runs out...at which time you wouldn't have the system working if you lost power : ).

    All this passed on to you from personal experience ; )....I let mine beep for weeks before addressing it (which was totally stupid and pointless I will admit)

    01.26.12 - 01:30 PM / 13

  • threeblindmoose said:

    Hoo boy, do I know that fear. I'm an independent woman and I can take care of myself, but hot damn, when those stupid smoke detectors go off I wish there was someone else there to make it better or at least think clearly while I quietly panic. My smoke detectors used to do the same thing, hopefully the electrician will be able to figure it out. (Or a battery replacement will do the trick.)

    01.26.12 - 01:31 PM / 14

  • Daisee said:

    This same thing happened to me and my girls about 3 years ago, and though the detectors are wired electrically, they also do have batterys. We called the fire department because I thought they were sensing something we just couldnt see. Of course by the time they got to the house they had stopped - I called the builder and asked him if it could be an electrical malfunction and he said no way - to replace them all and all should be fine and he was right! Saved me from the electrician cost which was next on my list. I replace my batterys every Spring at Day light savings whether they need it or not :)

    01.26.12 - 01:37 PM / 15

  • salvationamy said:

    Heather, is it a system, connected to monitoring, or is it individual smoke detectors not tied to one another? My husband's got 27 years in the design/installation/maintenance, etc. of these systems. If you have questions, feel free to send me a personal message and he can trouble shoot it for you. He's the rain man of fire systems.

    01.26.12 - 01:43 PM / 16

  • katjack55 said:

    Same thing happened to us...turned out it was just dust that had gotten into them (we'd just had work done outside that kicked up a lot of dust). They're all wired together so when one goes off they all do.

    01.26.12 - 01:47 PM / 17

  • dianemaggipinto... said:

    the other day there was a fire drill at lio's "school." he was walking out with his friend henry, who saw his brother. henry said to lio " i love winslow" and lio replied, loudly "I LOVE FIRE DRILLS." just a funny for you ....

    01.26.12 - 01:56 PM / 18

  • Rivercat0338 said:

    Why do smoke alarms only malfunction in the middle of the night/early dawn? Nothing like being jolted awake by a life safety device to add confusion and adrenaline to the party.

    01.26.12 - 01:56 PM / 19

  • Fridaymom said:

    Heather, sometimes that is all you are going to be able to say to your girls during this time -- and that's OK! Hang in there.

    01.26.12 - 02:19 PM / 20

  • filmlady said:

    Dust. At least that turned out to be our problem with our hard-wired smoke detectors. They went off regularly like that, never for long. The electrician that we called told us to vacuum around and inside each one. We haven't had a problem with them since. But who knows. Maybe he just knew how to sling the BS.

    I've got sympathy anyway. It scared the crap out of everyone in the house. Even Nugget the Wonder Dog was upset, and he wasn't even inside.

    01.26.12 - 02:24 PM / 21

  • Carol Shwanda said:

    I remember when I was first separated from my ex-husband. I was trying to put air in my bicycle tires and was having trouble and I just got overwhelmed and started crying. It was then that I realized just how alone I was. Eventually I got stronger and became very self-sufficient. Now I'm happily remarried to a gorgeous man who always makes sure that there is enough air in my tires.

    It gets better.

    www.shwanda.com

    01.26.12 - 02:25 PM / 22

  • mybottlesup said:

    i would react similarly. my husband deploys in 6 weeks and my anxiety is unreal already. it's both incredible and terrifying when we realize that we are taking on a new role within our own family.

    it's going to be ok. (at least that's what i keep telling myself.)

    also, "Every molecule of blood in our bodies flows to a shared rhythm." <--- that was absolutely gorgeous.

    01.26.12 - 02:26 PM / 23

  • SPM said:

    I often get scared being alone in the house when my husband is out of town, even more so since I've had a baby. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to ask a friend to stay with you to get you over the hump.

    01.26.12 - 02:35 PM / 24

  • rockygus18 said:

    I have read your blog for a very long time and I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I know how much it hurts and how scary it can be because I am going through something as well, it just hurts, plain and simple. I would much rather go through physical pain. This month has been difficult for so many people, maybe there is something in the air.

    Anyways, thank you for writing about it, it helps to know I am not alone and it will get better for you, of that I am sure.

    01.26.12 - 02:42 PM / 25

  • Tobie said:

    I'm definitely NOT a home repairs expert but my one tip is - "When something malfunctions, the first step is to Clean It." (Assuming there is not an actual fire, you know what I mean).

    So in this case that would be - take down each smoke alarm, wipe it with a cloth/duster, get all the dust out, replace the battery, whatever else you can do to clean it. More often than not, that will fix your problem.

    (And the same with your fridge, vacuum, garbage disposal etc...try just "completely cleaning it" first, and see if that fixes it).

    And yes I realize this is the equivalent of tech support asking "Did you try RE-STARTING your computer????" ;-) , but, sometimes people don't think of this.

    01.26.12 - 02:43 PM / 26

  • Anxious Annie said:

    Bugs. Sometimes even a tiny spider can set those off so clean and dust around them. I hate how those things are tied together so if you replace batteries, just do all of them. I've been living alone now for almost 4 years and I haven't even tested my smoke detector or checked the battery. Bad, I know. I'm sure if I get it off the wall I won't be able to get it back on. I'm even nervous about testing it - afraid it won't shut off or something. I know I worry too much.

    01.26.12 - 02:44 PM / 27

  • rockygus18 said:

    Also the fear thing is natural. I got back together with a... lets just call him "bad idea", after losing my dog for a day in the country. It really shook me up in every way possible and I crumbled. Just take deep breaths and one step at a time... It all works out.

    01.26.12 - 02:46 PM / 29

  • TrinaManey said:

    Hi Heather, I am quite sure you know how many lives you have touched but what you don't know is how many people there are in the universe rooting for you. You're going to be fine, better than fine even. You're going to be as great or greater (it's a word, look it up) as you've ever been. Although the smoke detectors were undoubtedly extremely annoying, they were probably a test of what you'll do in situations you don't know how to handle. The good news is, you passed. There will be a lot more tests, it's not the end result that matters, it's the journey to finding solutions to problems you never thought you'd have to deal with. Even at the ripe old age of (almost) 50, I am learning and you will continue to learn. Your girls are in good hands and at the end of the day, that's what really matters. Sending you love from across the country.

    01.26.12 - 02:48 PM / 30

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